Numb
by Wushu
Summary: //ShinjiRei// //AU// Shinji writes a poem to the person he loves, but events tend to work against him as usual.
1. Like The Rain

Title: Numb (Revised edition)  
Rating: K+  
Series: Neon Genesis Evangelion  
Part: Chapter 1  
Summary: Shinji writes a poem to the person he loves, but events tend to work against him as usual.

Disclaimer: Evangelion, and the pilots are the property of Gainax, and they reserve all rights. The song _Voiceless Screaming_ (used in the unedited version, not this one) is copyright to X-Japan, the poem belongs to me.

**AN:** This story is based off the opening scene (or close enough) of **SlvrElement's** story, **_The Look in Your Eyes_**. This story was inspired by the many possible outcomes of Shinji reading his poem to Rei. So please give that story a read to see where I got the idea, **please note that I only borrowed the idea of the class assignment of a poem, nothing else**. Everything else in here is mine, not counting the brief uses of dialog from the Anime/Manga.

**AN2:** Please note that this will also be a slight retelling of the episode where Shinji is absorbed into Unit-01, done slightly off Canon, originally it was the 12th Angel but I decided against that. I plan to base a lot of Shinji and Rei's relationship on the events of the fifth Angel from the Manga rather than the Anime, there is just so much more of a relationship between them in the Manga. Additionally the title of this is to reflect the trifecta of my Linkin Park story naming.

* * *

The falling rain met her eyes as she stared calmly out the window, the drops gently pattering off the glass. She felt at peace during storms, it wasn't something she was able to explain, she just knew that she was. Ever since she could remember, storms had brought her a sense of comfort; there was something about the beautiful, yet destructive lightning that would soothe her when she needed it. 

Sitting, staring out the window, Rei could only watch as the rain fell past. Watching its descent she felt nothing; no emotions, and no feelings. All that she had, all that she ever knew was the long forgotten memory of a feeling of peace suppressed deep within her soul, hidden by the cold masks she had been taught to wear.

Masks; barriers to hide away the person that she truly was, a scared little girl caught in something that she could never truly understand, something that she didn't want to understand.

She couldn't remember any of her childhood, all she could remember was Commander Ikari teaching her to hide her emotions and feelings away behind a mask, to never let the world in.

'_It's the only way to protect you from others Rei,_' he had said on more than one occasion when she had questioned him. '_All anyone wants to do is hurt you, they will pretend to be your friend or tell you that they love you, but in the end they will only cause you pain. You can't trust anyone Rei, only yourself and me._'

And so she had, she had distanced herself from all others, keeping close to only the Commander. As she progressed through school she had become know as the 'Ice Girl,' not because of her skin pigmentation, but because of her cold attitude toward the other students. For eleven years she had been shunned by the others, ignored, and overlooked. For eleven years this had been her life, keeping others at bay with her mask of ice, she had no one and no one wanted her, but all that changed on the day that the new Pilot came to Tokyo-3. Before he had come she had nothing in her life worth waking up for, the only thing she'd had was her position as a pilot and even that held no future, that path would only lead to her death, as it would for all who pilot an Evangelion.

With the appearance of the younger Ikari, her life had been thrown into total chaos, for eleven years she had lived as an outsider and now here was this person that appeared to care about her. He didn't care about what she could do for him or how he could use her to his advantage, he merely cared about her for her, something she had never experienced in her life.

She knew that he cared about her, and that he cared about everyone; he had proved it time and again, but most notably when he had scarred himself on her super-heated entry plug, desperate to make sure she was safe. That day she had seen the true person that was Ikari Shinji; he wasn't the idiot or pervert that the Second Child claimed he was, instead she saw the kind, loving person that would give his life to save someone he cared about. In the brief moment when she had smiled at him she had been witness to his soul, laid bare through his eyes. Back then it had been joyful and alive, but now she could see it was withering and dying, soon the caring individual that was once there would be no more.

With this horrific thought in mind she succumbed to the tears that begged to fall, knowing that there was nothing she could do to save the boy that cared for her. Outside the rain continued to pour down as she slipped into the depression that had haunted her already fragile psyche since she had become a pilot. Sniffling slightly she allowed the onslaught of tears that burned behind her eyes to continue to fall, burying her head in her pillow, eventually falling asleep as her hot tears soaked into the case, adding to the ones that already stained it.

* * *

Holding the paper before him, he read the words for the hundredth time. _Assignment: Write a poem expressing your feelings about one of the following subjects..._

Shinji frowned as he set the paper down on his desk. What could he write about? He really didn't have an opinion on any of the topics.

_... a sport you enjoy ..._

No can do, he's never been a jock so therefore never played a sport, heck he didn't even know what any of the balls were called.

_... a musical talent you have ..._

Once again, not something he could do. While he was adept at playing the Cello, he didn't think he could write about that, it would just be too boring.

To be honest, he had no real feelings toward any of the topics. He could always just write something, but that wouldn't be fair to him or the teacher. No, he had to write something that came from his heart, something that appealed to him and spoke true of his feelings, but this meant he had to find a topic that grabbed him, and none of the ones on the page did that.

With a sigh, he leaned his head against his hand as his elbow rested on the desk.

_'What could I write about?'_ He asked as he stared out his window at the falling rain, the pattering of the drops relaxing his soul. He could always write about the night or how he always felt alone, those types of poems always went over well, plus they were easy to find material for, just look at his life and boom, you've got some material. Parental abandonment, depression, suicidal thoughts, inferiority complex; a wealth of content lying hidden in his mind and all he had to do was look for it.

With a sigh he let his mind wander, hoping that it would find a topic worthy of writing about. After sitting, staring, and watching the rain for several minutes his mental wandering journeyed down a very interesting track.

'_I wonder what Ayanami is doing right now?'_

With a slight jump he realized what he had asked himself, a slight blush coming to his cheeks as he remembered the small smile that she had given him after the fifth Angel, a memory that always surfaced when thinking about her, one of the few pleasant memories he had. Shaking it from his mind he concentrated on trying to find something to write about.

With a sigh he placed his head on the desk in defeat.

Maybe if he closed his eyes and thought hard enough an answer would come to him.

* * *

"Release the cryo-freeze on Unit-01" Gendo barked. 

His reply was a flurry of activity as the technicians worked to free Unit-01 from its lock down.

After a few short minutes they reported that Unit-01 was free, Misato didn't even have to think before ordering the launch.

Shinji burst to the surface, his gun coming up even as the whiplash from the catapult settled.

"Rei," he whispered as he stepped off the platform and towards the thin, rope-like Angel that was trying to invade Rei and Unit-00.

"Shinji … stay back," she said weakly when she noticed him.

"Hold on Rei," he said as he began to run toward her, weapon raised to fire and draw the Angel's attention away from her.

Just as he was about to open fire Rei's voice over the comm. Caught his attention.

"Shinji … I'm sorry," with those words the channel went dead, only to be picked up by Misato calling out a warning to him.

"Shinji, she's activated the self-destruct, you have to get out of there!"

Shinji immediately knew that whatever was happening was bad as soon as Misato said 'activating.' Throwing the rifle to the ground he began to rush forward, time seeming to move in slow motion as events continued as pre-ordained.

He was reaching for her, or where the Entry Plug would be, even as the Eva's engine went critical. He was thrown back by the explosion, his AT field preventing him from being caught in the blast.

As he was hurtled through the air there was only one thing on his mind and lips; "REEEEEEEEEEEEI!"

* * *

Shinji sat up as though a bolt of lightning had struck him, his body covered in sweat, the silent scream fading into the darkness. Peeling the now drooled on assignment from his face he looked around. 

"A premonition? A dream?" he asked himself as he slowed his breathing to a normal level.

He was still in his room, and from the paper in his hands he was still trying to find something to write about. He silently thanked God that it was only a dream, he didn't think he would be able to handle that actually happening. With a sigh he decided to return to his work, maybe he'd be able to get an hour's sleep tonight.

Glancing at the paper once again he came to the inescapable fact that in truth there were actually...

He sat up straight, his eyes wide and fully awake as he realized he had a specific topic that he could write about; the very last one on the paper, located beneath the drool. At first, his mind didn't register the significance of the topic, not until he made the somewhat random correlation to her, thanks in part to his nightmare. With his muse firmly in mind, he set about writing his poem, hoping that it would say everything he had always wanted to say. While it may be risky in the present, the long-term possibilities far outweighed the negatives, hopefully.

* * *

Shinji was almost sweating blood as he stood before the class, hands damp as he gripped the paper, feeling as though his life depended on this presentation, and depending on how Rei reacted to the words it very well may, for all he knew he could lose his only reason for staying in Tokyo-3. 

Taking a deep breath, his eyes swept the room. Asuka was ignoring him as he spoke about the topic he chose, she was probably writing how stupid she thought his poem would be in the note she passed to Hikari. The teacher was totally focused on Shinji and his poem, oblivious to Asuka's note passing. Taking a calming breath he began to read the poem, his eyes finally landing on his muse.

After scanning the room, his eyes landed on Ayanami Rei, her red eyes were no longer staring out the window at the world passing by, but were now focused on him and his poem. Eyes are said to be the window to the soul. Often we are unable to discern what a person's eyes are saying due to the barriers and mask that we put in place to protect ourselves from pain and yet Shinji needed no mystic to divine the confusion and shock, or could that possibly be disbelief, that was visible in her eyes. Taking another deep breath Shinji began reading the poem, all his feelings, and emotions flowing out as he read, his eyes locked with Rei's the entire time, begging her to accept his words.

The room was in absolute silence as he finished the poem; even the teacher was too surprised to say anything. As one, all the student's eyes, as well as those of the teacher, turned to Rei, awaiting any reaction.

'_What's she gonna do?'_ A few were asking themselves and each other, their whisperings adding to the seriousness of the situation.

'_What if she rejects him? He'd be devastated!'_ Was the common thought amongst the girls, along with that they wished **they** had received a poem like that.

'_Baka!' _Was all that Asuka thought as she too awaited Rei's response, although she would never admit that to anyone, not even herself.

Before Rei or anyone else could say a word, the bell rang, signaling the end of class. Shinji let out a relieved sigh as the room quickly emptied, he himself not far behind the others. From the brief snatches he could hear of their conversations he knew they were discussing his poem.

'_Saved by the bell,'_ Shinji thought as he made his way to the roof to eat his lunch. '_I don't think I could have handled her rejection in front of the entire class.'_

"Shin-man! Hey Shinji!" Touji called when he noticed Shinji approaching the edge of the roof, his lunch in hand.

"Huh?" Shinji said dumbly as he looked in their direction. "Oh, hey guys."

"Man, how'd you do it? How'd you get the courage to tell her how you felt?" Touji asked as he stared off into the cloudless blue sky.

"I don't know," Shinji replied after a moments thought. "I just had a feeling that if I didn't say something soon that I'd never get a chance to."

"What makes you say that?" Kensuke asked as he looked up from his computer.

"Just a feeling," Shinji replied as he stared off into the horizon, "just a very bad feeling."

* * *

Returning to class after lunch, Shinji was mildly surprised to not see Rei in her seat. As far as he knew there was no Angel attack, and there were no Sync tests scheduled. 

Realization dawned on him with all the forced of a runaway freight train; this was the rejection that he had been waiting for. He finally had the answer to whether or not she could ever feel for him the way he felt for her; it was a plain as day 'no'.

Quickly composing himself he threw on a fake smile, shrugging the incident off as he took his seat, hoping that no one saw the shattering of his soul or that the light in his eyes had gone out, leaving him an empty shell where a man once stood.

He only hoped that he would be able to go on now that his hope had been shattered.

* * *

The falling rain soaked into his clothes, adding its dampness to his already depressed soul. Rain was a rarity in these post-Second Impact years, so for it to rain twice in as many days was something of a miracle. 

The blackened sky told him that it was well past sundown, the freezing wind that blew against his face, chilling his already ice-cold body confirmed it, not that he truly needed the confirmation. He knew what time it was and he didn't care, he had no reason to care, except to put on a show of living in order to fool those around him.

After leaving class he had wandered around the nearly abandoned streets of Tokyo-3, eventually ending up on top of Misato's apartment roof. From his position leaning against the wall that surrounded the roof he had watched the sun disappear behind the horizon as the storm clouds had moved in.

Now he stood under the rain, letting it fall onto his face and wash the silently cried tears away. He knew he should go in before he caught pneumonia, but figured what would be the point. If he got ill and died, so what, no one would mourn him; he'd learned that early on, a fact that was driven home by the incident with Rei this morning.

Rei not returning from lunch forced him to think about his place with those around him, those that he once thought of as friends and family.

Asuka viewed him as a pervert and an idiot, maybe she was right, after all only an idiot would do what he had today and expect to have his feelings returned. With all the fights and arguments he and Asuka had, and all the times that she had beat him up, Shinji was positive that Asuka would be much happier without him, she may miss his cooking in the long run, with Misato cooking who wouldn't, but she wouldn't miss _him_.

Kensuke and Touji, well they were his friends but even then they had their own lives, as did everyone he knew. Since Touji had more or less begun dating Hikari now, he really didn't need Shinji hanging around, he'd only get in the way, Touji didn't need a third wheel hanging around throwing off the balance of the other two wheels. Touji and Kensuke seemed to get along better when Shinji wasn't there, bringing everyone down with his self-pitying depression and their need to cheer him up and lighten the mood surrounding them, all the comfort they've given him has been to make their lives easier, nothing more. Kensuke still had his war games and his survival training; Shinji knew that he had given up his time in training to spend it with him and Touji. He was sure that he would be happy to return to his games, and Touji wouldn't even miss him with Hikari by his side. So his friends would be better off without him in the long run. Add to that the fact that they were friends long before Shinji ever showed up, and he knew that they'd be far happier without him, not to mention the only reason Kensuke hung around Shinji was to learn more about NERV.

Misato, well she was an interesting case. While she was like a mother to him, he was just being used by her, just like his father, just like everyone else at NERV. It was never a question of how they could help Shinji, but of what he could do for them. Her lack of culinary skills was almost legendary among those back at NERV, as was her near permanent inebriety, he had heard horror stories about both in the short time he'd been a pilot, not to mention all the first hand accounts he had since moving in with Misato. So there in lay her need of Shinji, he could cook and bring her beers, a handy thing for a young boy his age to know. To be honest she could get someone else to cook and fetch beers for her, so she wouldn't miss him either, not unless she planned on paying for him to go to bartending school once the war was over.

Gendo Ikari, now that was a subject that he wasn't even going to touch. His father had been using him ever since he had come to Tokyo-3, and possibly before that. As long as Shinji was still useful, Gendo would fake concern, if you could call it concern, as long as Shinji could pilot. But in reality he didn't even bother to fake the concern, just made sure Shinji was still useful, no signs of emotions towards his son, no emotions other than anger and disappointment that is. Even if Shinji was gone, Gendo still wouldn't miss him, once he was past the point of usefulness, he was expendable. Shinji had no doubt in his mind that when that time came his father would have him 'removed' from NERV, a thought that didn't sit well with the younger Ikari.

After going through the list of all the people that he knew, Shinji arrived at the last and most important person on his list ... Rei.

Shinji sighed as he thought about the beautiful, enigmatic albino. He could feel the cold retreating as he was warmed by thoughts of her large red eyes that spoke volumes if you knew how to read them, he was one of a few that actually could. Her hair was a natural, yet unnatural shade of pale blue; complimenting her alabaster skin and making her appear as a snow angel come to life.

Shinji's heart stopped beating when he remember the rare, yet exquisite smile that Rei had graced him with those many months ago following the fifth angel, it was the same smile that had inspired his poem. Her smile, her eyes, everything about her was enough to make him lose coherent though and become the babbling idiot that Asuka thought he was.

Once again his dreams came crashing down on him; she had not shown him any emotion since the day she smiled at him following the defeat of the fifth angel. The deciding factor in his knowledge that she wouldn't even miss him if he were gone, were her actions today. After he confessed his love for her, she left the school, shattering what remained of his heart, just when he needed the reassurance the most. No, a person that cared about you would never do that, even if they didn't understand their emotions, he now knew for sure that no one would ever love him.

Leaning against the rooftop railing, Shinji stared at the ground below. The falling water rushing past him in its haste to meet its demise at the hands of the cold, merciless, concrete below.

'_How easy would it be for me to do the same?' _He asked himself as he yet again contemplated ending his existence.

Yet, just as with every time he came anywhere close to ending it, his conscience woke up and began calling him a coward and a quitter, telling him that he must not run away. So he then had to prove himself to not be a coward and continue living. But every day it became harder and harder for him to do that, now with Rei's rejection he knew it would only be a matter of time before he finally took the long drop into the never ending night, becoming one with the abyss.

Standing up he took one final glance up at the sky, letting the rain caress his face. With a sigh he turned and made his way into the building and to the apartment below where the devil, the drunk and the penguin were awaiting him.

* * *

"Where the hell is that Baka hentai!" Asuka's yell was clear even to Shinji who was slowly opening the door to the apartment. Hell it was probably audible to everyone back in Germany too. 

"He said he'd back shortly, calm down," Misato said as she worked on adding yet another beer can to the _Leaning Tower of Barley and Hops_ that she was creating in her bedroom. At present the tower now stood about two-feet high and was a good four cans across, held together by judicious use of duct tape, the handy man's secret weapon, or so Misato called it. Of course this was to compete with the model of the Eiffel Tower that she made last month. Next month she was thinking about doing the Coliseum.

"Calm down?" Asuka yelled, her anger now focused on Misato. "I'm hungry and I want my food NOW!"

Shinji cringed as he tried to slowly sneak into the kitchen to start dinner, unfortunately Asuka saw him.

"About friggin' time you showed up Baka!" She said as she pinned Shinji against the fridge, her finger in his face as her other hand rested on her hip. "You'd better make something fast or I am going to make it so that no one recognizes you tomorrow in school, not even your little _girlfriend_! Got it?"

Shinji could only nod, her mention of Rei having sent his mind off on a tangent; with thoughts of how he had embarrassed himself in front of the entire class and possibly made Rei hate him more than she already did coming to the fore. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even register the fact Asuka had called her his girlfriend. His body working on autopilot he set to making dinner, his mind going over his epiphany on the rooftop. He knew, deep in his heart, that he would always love Rei no matter what, even if she never wanted to see him again.

Taking the beef from the meat drawer, he walked back over to the stove, the vegetables for the stir-fry in a bowl in his other hand. Absently Shinji considered the fact that he hadn't had a chance to dry off, and it was at this moment that he stepped in a puddle of water left from his drip-drying. So far away was his mind that he didn't even register the fact that his feet slipped out from under him, sending him back into the stove and the wok with the hot oil in it. It wasn't until he felt the oil eating into his flesh that he realized something had happened, at that point he let out an almighty scream of agony that would have awakened the dead, had a convenient corpse been present.

Misato and Asuka came running, alerted both by the crash as his head connected with the stove as well as his cry of pain. Misato's eyes were full of concern at his burns and possible head injury, not to mention the blood that was pouring from the gash on his scalp, while Asuka just kept muttering about her dinner being ruined, and then Shinji knew no more as darkness took him.

* * *

_'Does he truly feel that way?'_ Rei asked herself as she sat in her apartment. _'If he doesn't, then why did he say he did?'_

_ **Because he is the Commander's son.** _her self-doubt answered back. It was the same doubt that told her that she was worthless and no one would ever like her or need her; let alone love her as Ikari claimed he did, it was the same voice of doubt that lies within all people.

Rei thought about that fact for a while. Gendo Ikari may be using her for his own means and purposes, but she **knew** that Shinji would never do that.

_** How can you be so sure? If the Commander uses you what stops Ikari, he is his son. Like father like son they say. **_

'_No, he wouldn't do that. He ... he said he loves me.'_ Rei countered hesitantly; still doubtful about whether Ikari truly meant what he said in the poem, yet silently hoping beyond hope that he did.

_ **Hesitant are we? Do you know how often humans say they love one another and not mean it? Did he actually say he loved you, or are you just hoping that's what he meant? Intent is different than actions, you of all people should realize this. **_Doubt paused a moment in consideration, speaking before Rei had time to answer the rhetorical question. **_ If you are so sure that he feels that way, then why did you not return to class? Last night you yourself did say that he cared for you, what happened to that rationalization? _**

Rei was struck dumb by this question. Why had she reacted the way that she did? Thinking back on it now, she had no reason to have not returned. She wasn't embarrassed by his poem, she was actually surprised by it, in fact she welcomed the things that he had said. It had provided the validation of her previous assumption that he cared for her. She never thought that he'd ever be able to say anything like that to any girl, let alone her.

'_I ... I don't know.' _She answered after a moment's consideration.

**_ Interesting, _**was all that Doubt said, but Rei could detect a hint of sarcasm as well as annoyance.

'_What do you mean by that?' _Rei asked sharply, her back stiffening as she took offense against Doubt's tone.

**_ What do I mean? You are a silly girl aren't you? You truly are a doll, suitable only to sit on a shelf and gather dust, just as Asuka says. _**Doubt gave a small sigh as it continued on, this time with an explanation. **_ You would have no way to know whether you cared about Ikari or not, while you may know that _**he **_cares for you, your own emotions are confused. After the Commander drilled all emotion out of you, you who have never experienced love in any form would have no way to know if you were in love. The only care you have ever been shown has been from Commander Ikari and Ikari, but as you said, the Commander doesn't care for you, he's only using you. He's using you just like everyone else does. _**

Rei was silent as she pondered this fact.

_** Don't think about it too hard. **_

'_What is it that you want?' _Rei asked as she watched the setting sun still visible through the gathering storm clouds, her will to fight ebbing as Doubt's logic sank further into to her mind.

_** Normally what I want is to make your life miserable. That is my only purpose, I am your Self-Doubt, I exist in all sentient beings I exist merely to make you doubt yourself, nothing more and nothing less. But, no matter who or what I am, I have come to the realization that it would be in my own best interest if you remained alive. Therefore I logically became interested in Ikari, since he seems to have such an effect on you. **_

'_How would you know what effect he has on me?' _Rei asked, slightly confused by the comment.

_** Because I am your own mind, I know everything you do, I know all that you feel. I was made aware of how he makes you feel last night during your soul searching, you desire to be loved by Shinji, am I wrong? **_

Rei was silent, knowing that that was indeed what she had wished before she had finally fallen asleep. She frowned a bit upon realizing how Doubt had said his name in the familiar tense. Somehow it just sounded ... wrong. She, Ayanami Rei, was the one that should say his name like that, not her Doubt, not the most hated portion of her own mind.

**_ Now, _**Doubt went on as though it was now unaware of Rei's musings, or perhaps this time it didn't care. **_ I would never dream of doing anything good for you as that contradicts my entire purpose. But if I can arrange something that will keep you alive longer and therefore benefit me, then I will do it. That's why I'm here tonight; to force you to come to a decision, for tonight think of me as your conscience and take heed of my words. Will you approach Shinji about his feelings or will you ignore it and sink further into your depression, eventually taking your own life? _**

'_I do not know, at least not yet.' _Rei softly admitted after several minutes of silence.

_** You had better decide soon, time is running against us, the pieces are already in motion and the game is playing itself. It's your move Rei. **_

* * *

Shinji was aware of the faint beeping of machines, a sound he had become familiar with over the last few months. He knew, almost instinctually where he was; NERV Central hospital. 

Before he even opened his eyes, he registered the faint sound of people talking out in the hall. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but one of them sounded like Misato, and she almost sounded concerned, but that couldn't be, not considering his rooftop realization.

Normally, when he found himself a patient in this same room, he would mutter something about 'unfamiliar ceiling' but he didn't this time, for several very good reasons; the first of which being that he'd been here so often that he'd counted almost all the cracks in the ceiling, there were 247 major ones that he had counted so far, but that didn't include those in the bathroom. The second reason was that the last time he'd said it, shortly after fighting the Third Angel, he had gotten up and wandered into the hall, just in time to watch Rei being rolled past on a gurney.

Their eyes had locked, and for a brief second he thought he saw gratitude in her eyes, but the moment was broken when she was wheeled past and stopped for a brief conversation with the Commander.

With a sigh he pushed that memory to the back of his mind. Was he ever going to be able to forget her? She didn't love him and he knew it, so why then did every little thing remind him of her?

'_Because, you said it yourself, you love her.'_

With a sigh, he realized that that was true. There was no way to escape the conclusion, no matter how hard he tried; he loved Rei with all his heart and soul and would never be able to stop thinking about her.

Shinji knew without a doubt that he would do everything in his power to protect Rei; he'd even give up his life, not that she or anyone else would appreciate it.

Closing his eyes he focused on the beeping of the machines, hoping to fall back asleep, the pain from his burns making him drowsy, or was that the medication? His pain and drug numbed mind couldn't figure out which it was, not that it really cared. His hopes of rest were dashed as the door was thrown open and a concerned Misato came rushing in, Asuka trailing along behind her, bored out of her mind.

"Shinji!" Misato said as she rushed forward and wrapped him up in a hug, heedless of the rather serious burns he had received.

"Argh, Misato," he cried as she squeezed a particularly bad burn on his shoulder and neck.

"Gomen," Misato repeated over and over again as she released him, afraid to compound his injuries.

Shinji just smiled a weak smile, too tired to offer much more.

"Its fine, Misato," he replied as he softly patted the hand that still rested gently on his shoulder. Deciding to change the subject he broached the question on his mind.

"Misato? What happened?"

"Don't you remember?" She asked, confused by his question.

"Not really," he answered with a shake of his head, letting out a small hiss when the move pulled at the still damaged skin buried somewhere under the bandage surrounding his skull. "All I remember is slipping and then a sharp pain and burning, then everything went blank."

"Well," she began as best she could, trying to block out the memory of Shinji bleeding to death on the floor, "you slipped in a puddle of water and fell into the stove, knocking the wok with the hot oil onto your face, neck, chest, and shoulders. When you fell you hit your head pretty hard on the corner of the stove. Oh, God, there was so much blood Shinji, so very much blood." Misato began to break into tears.

At this point he had to look away, her tears were too much for him to handle in his pain filled state. The salty drops running down her face and onto the bed were enough to make him want to comfort her, but his realization of her limited need for him as a person and not a tool prevented him from doing so.

After a few more sniffles, Misato was able to compose herself in a limited fashion. Shinji glanced at Asuka, only to see that she too had the beginnings of tears in her eyes, which she quickly wiped away when she noticed Shinji watching her.

"We weren't sure if you would make it to the hospital," Misato said as she continued, having pulled herself as together as she was going to get.

Shinji merely took a second to absorb this information.

"And what did the _Commander_ have to say about my injury?" He asked with venom in his voice, his tone making the title a curse of the highest degree, reserved only for the highest sinner in Egyptian culture. This change was so unlike him that it took Misato a moment to reply.

"He wanted to know if it would keep you from being able to Pilot Eva Unit-01, I told him no, beyond that he said nothing."

Shinji just snorted, knowing that was exactly what the Commander would say. Aside from that one exhalation he showed no other signs of acknowledgement, this alone made Misato worry.

"So when will I be able to Pilot again?" Shinji asked, breaking the silence that had fallen after mentioning his father.

"A week, maybe longer, just to make sure that those stitches hold," Misato said as she studied his face for any sign of emotion. She found none; it was almost as if he were turning into Rei, that in and of itself worried her beyond words.

Shinji yawned, not realizing how tired he actually was.

"I don't mean to be rude," he began, not showing any of the timidity that he would normally exhibit. "But could you leave so I can get some sleep? I'm very tired."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure thing," Misato said as she stood and grabbed the arm of the equally shocked Asuka, dragging her from the room. "We'll be back to check up on you later."

Shinji gave a weak smile at her parting shot, typical Misato, making promises that she wouldn't be able to keep.

Yawning again, he placed his head on the pillow and was soon fast asleep, dreaming of a time when Evangelions would no longer be needed and he could be with Rei. He was dreaming of a perfect world that would never exist.

* * *

Darkness quickly fell upon the Geofront, swallowing Tokyo-3 in its inky velvet. The black hand of night closed around Shinji's hospital room, casting its sole occupant into the absolute oblivion of night. A single, solitary shaft of moonlight cut across the room, bisecting it and throwing a milky-white strip across the sleeping form. 

Silently a form materialized itself from the portion of shadow that was the doorway. Two red orbs directed to the figure in the bed. Slowly their owner stepped forward, gradually revealing themselves as they moved toward the bed, scared to awaken its occupant.

As soon as she heard about his accident she vowed to check up on him for herself, just to prove that he was still with her, that they still had time to be together.

Standing over him, the figure just watched him sleep, his breathing in a near normal rhythm, despite the somewhat severe burns on his chest and throat. Taking the risk she raised her hand and placed it gently on his face, careful to avoid the minor scarring from the hot oil, caressing it as though they were lovers, a true smile gracing his lips at the contact. Her mind was thrown back to his words during and after the fifth angel, the turning point in their relationship, even if they didn't know it at the time.

'_The same as being dead? Well, then…I guess I was like that before I came here. I hated everything. I was totally apathetic. I just didn't care! But I put up a quiet front, playing the good little kid. I…I guess I was just going through the motions of living.'_

His final words, _motions of living,_ had haunted her for days, replaying over and over in her head. It wasn't until recently, following his poem that with a startling realization she knew that that was exactly what she had been doing all her life.

Ikari didn't know it, but at that moment Rei had felt a connection with him. She herself felt that way, as though she were going through the motions of living, that night she had found a kindred spirit in Shinji Ikari, the only person to ever try and be her friend, never quite being, just existing, even if she didn't know it until recently.

After following her orders to protect him, Rei had waited for the inevitable to come, she waited for her turn to die. It never came, instead came a further connection to, and understanding of the injured young man before her.

'_Ayanami! I-I'm glad…glad you're alive. Real glad.'_ As he said this he had tears in his eyes, a fact he said was normal when you were extremely happy.

When she had asked him why he cried, she was shocked to hear his reasoning, he didn't cry from the pain of the burns he received in opening the hatch, scars that were still visible to this day, she noted absently as his hands gently curled into themselves. He cried because he was happy that she was alive.

'_Dummy…that's not it! I'm crying because I'm happy…happy that you're alive.'_

He may never know it, but at that moment she felt the flicker of a long suppressed feeling, a feeling that she had only the faintest wisp of, love. Unsure of what she was feeling she had covered it up with her admission that she truthfully didn't know what expression she should be making. She was happy, she knew that, when she told him that she meant it, she was truly happy that someone actually cared about Ayanami Rei the girl and not Ayanami Rei the First Child, Pilot of Eva Unit-00.

With a reluctant sigh she removed her hand and began stepping back into the shadows, her eyes always on the bed. Her retreat was stopped when his breathing took on a more rapid, almost panic filled tone. Swiftly retracing her steps she was at his side in moments, her pale hands clutching the railing of the bed.

"Rei ..." he called as he began to toss.

She was startled, how could he know she was here? After a moment her common sense reasserted itself, he couldn't know, he was merely reacting to the events of a dream. She had little time to ponder this revelation as his next words violently broke her from her thoughts.

"Rei... don't leave me... don't go, don't die...I need you," He mumbled as he continued to toss, his arms beginning to flail.

Rei was torn between concern for him and the desire to leave before someone came to check on him. In the end her concern won out.

At this point her body began moving on its own, long unknown desires and instincts took over. Placing her hand on his forehead she began to gently massage the nightmare away, careful not to wake him. Leaning close to his ear she began whispering to him.

"Shhh," she soothed in her soft voice, his body instantly growing calmer. "It is alright, I am not going to leave you Ikari. I shall not die, do not worry. Ikari … Shinji I love you."

After admitting her true feelings for the boy before her she leaned down and placed a tender kiss on his lips. She stiffened at the jolt of energy that passed between them as well as the fact that she didn't intend to kiss him, at least not on the lips. Pushing the effects to the back of her mind she slowly pulled away, her eyes watching his now still form as a smile once again graced his lips as he slept in peace.

Reluctantly pulling away from him, she was finally able to retreat into the shadows and vanish into the night, the feeling of his lips on hers still tingling in the back of her mind.

* * *

(To Be Continued…) 


	2. Sun Through The Clouds

**AN:** I would like to note the various styles that are used in this story:  
**Bold**, _italic_ – Song Lyrics  
**Bold, **_italic _ - Please note that the ones in the brackets are Doubt's words, or Rei's internal thoughts, however you want to look at it.  
"_Italic"_ – the words of my poem (later in the story, and yes, they are in quotes)_  
Italic_ – is just normal thoughts or emphasis.

I hope this helps to explain things somewhat. In addition I have indeed rewritten this part of the story as I wasn't very happy with its ending.

AaAaA

"The liquefaction of the right breast has been completed," a nameless NERV technician reported.

"We'll start cleansing the bodily fluids from three zero on schedule," his partner replied as he glanced down at his clipboard.

Both men tried to avoid stepping in the various puddles of fluid as they continued with their work, neither achieving the task. Dr. Akagi had to hide her disgust as the puddle they stepped in made a significantly loud _squish_ and their boots came away with pieces of Angel hanging off them.

"How are you?" Dr. Akagi asked with a shudder at the sight before her as Misato came up beside her, her arm in a cast and sling. Ritsuko could already feel a headache starting, and the day had just begun too.

"I'm not hurt enough to stop doing my job. I couldn't lie in bed during an emergency like this. So what did they end up doing with Shinji?" she asked as the two women watched the cleanup efforts or the attempt thereof.

"It's my understanding that they had to cut the escape hatch open with a laser cutter and remove him forcibly. He's in the hospital right now and expected to wake soon, but it doesn't look good for him staying at NERV."

"This sucks," Misato said with a sigh as she turned away from the mess before her. "I'm afraid that this time…"

AaAaA

"…he's royally screwed! He can't talk his way out of this, idiot." Asuka complained as she leaned against the wall in the NERV hospital, just staring at the drab gray wall in front of her.

"Is he alright?" Rei asked a hint of concern in her voice that went unnoticed by her companion, but she silently noted that Ikari would have noticed it instantly.

"He wasn't injured, if that's what you mean. He's probably imagining that it was all a dream." Asuka said with a huff as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"A dream?" Rei asked, confused as to why Ikari would view the recent events as a dream.

"Yeah, don't tell me you don't dream either!" Asuka said as she turned to glare at her companion before turning away just as quick.

_I know how to dream Second Child. I have had dreams before, or were they nightmares?_ Rei silently replied, unwilling to share that information with the redhead sitting beside her. Instead they just sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts about the boy they were just discussing.

AaAaA

_**I was blinded by dark desire  
Over time I've been through it all  
I'm crying my share of tears**_

Shinji was awakened by a rough hand shaking him.

"Pilot Ikari, get up. You are being taken to a NERV detention cell for your actions following the Fourteenth Angel." A Section 2 agent said as he pushed Shinji's clothes toward him.

Rising slowly, Shinji moved to dress, taking little notice that Touji was in the bed next to his, unconscious but still alive if not all together in one piece. Once he was done he was ushered from his hospital room and to one of the detention cells in the bowels of NERV.

After being handcuffed and placed in the cell, all he could do was wait. Wait and think. He had all the time in the world to think about what had happened. He thought about the sick feeing that he had when Unit-04's Entry Plug had been crushed in his hand. He thought about how he had failed in the one thing that defined him, piloting Eva. But most importantly he thought about the same thing that had occupied his mind that night on the rooftop when he came to the conclusions about his worth.

He thought about the conclusions he had made that night and the fallacy that they contained. Recent events had forced him to reevaluate his need of others and their need of him. While he still viewed himself as worthless and unnecessary he realized that he needed the others, even if they had no need for him. As selfish as it was it was still a reason to remain by their side.

He needed Misato for she was like a mother to him; she was the only true role model he had ever had. He had to stifle a snort at the sad irony of Misato being his role model. But the humor didn't last long as the memory of her face after he was burned came to mind. No, he needed her; he needed her care and concern. He needed her love.

Asuka was like a sister to him, he valued that relationship, even if she did abuse him physically and emotionally. But isn't that the way of all sibling relationships? He idly wondered how Asuka would react to knowing she was like the sister he never had. She'd probably beat him a bit for it then retreat to her room, grumbling about how big a pervert he was.

Touji and Kensuke, while not only being his friends, even if they really didn't need him, he needed them. They gave him a sense of normalcy that had been missing from his life. They were the outlet that allowed him to just be a normal teenager for a few moments. Yet again this was a sad commentary when considering the individuals and what they gave to him. Touji had hit him the first time they'd met and Kensuke was totally obsessed with Evangelion and all things related, it's strange to think they could offer anything a sense of normalcy.

Gendo he really didn't need in any way, shape or form, as far as Shinji was concerned the Devil could have him and he wouldn't shed a tear.

This finally brought him about to Rei. His previous ruminations on the subject were forgotten in the light of recent events. When her Eva was damaged during the fight against Unit-04 he had been scared, he was afraid that she had been hurt or worse. This fear drove him into battle to protect her, even if that battle had been taken away from him later on. The decision to fight had been his, and he didn't regret protecting her for a moment. He sighed as he once again toyed with the thought that he loved her. It may have been his imagination but since he had been released from the hospital for his burns, not that it was that long ago, she seemed to be nicer to him. She actually seemed to begin conversations with him on her own. While he could mark this off as his imagination, he really didn't want to. He hoped, deep down inside that she was opening up to him. He knew that he loved her, he had told her and the world as much in his poem. But even though she had rejected his feelings he still couldn't stop seeing her, even if she would never be anything but a friend. Lord how it hurt to even think those words! She was his weakness, his kryptonite if you will. She is the reason he piloted Eva in the beginning and the reason he continues to do so. He would gladly give up his life to keep her safe; if that isn't love then he didn't know what was.

Ironically he knew that she would be the reason he stopped piloting, if they would use his own Eva to destroy the Entry Plug of another Unit then what stopped them from using his Unit against Rei's or even Asuka's? Nothing, and that was the reason he came to the conclusion that he did, he would give up Eva and leave Tokyo-3. He only hoped that it was the right choice, he hoped that everyone would understand his reasons. He hoped that Rei would forgive him for his act of cowardice.

He had no illusions that what he planned wasn't cowardly, he knew it was and he had accepted it. But he also knew that it was the only thing he could to safe guard those he cared about.

Some time later, Shinji had no idea how long as time had lost all meaning in the darkness of his cell, a man came for him.

"Shinji Ikari," he said as he slurred his name in distaste, turning it into an insult. "Commander wants to see you."

AaAaA

Standing some distance from his father, hands cuffed in front of him, Shinji waited.

"Disobeying orders. Using an Eva for personal vendettas. Childish intimidation. These are all criminal offenses. Do you have anything to say?" Gendo asked without removing his hands from in front of his face.

"Yes," Shinji replied, even though he was thinking that the man before him was a hypocrite. After all, wasn't the entire Evangelion Project his Father's personal vendetta? Shinji wasn't even going to start to think about the childish intimidation that the man resorted to, not to mention the fact that he was a minor and should technically not be charged with any of these crimes since he had no right to be fighting this war in the first place.

"I don't want to pilot an Eva anymore and I don't want to stay here either," Shinji said as he stared directly ahead of him. His earlier decision and ruminations still playing through his head even as images of Unit-04's crushed Entry Plug raced about reminding him of why he chose this path.

"Well then, you may leave," Gendo said as he turned his attention away from the boy not at all surprised that this was his decision. He was always running away from something.

"Yes. I'll go back to my old teacher," Shinji said in a voice dead of any emotion, turning his back on his father.

"So you're running away again?" Gendo said, unable to resist the opportunity to put down his son. "You disappoint me. I assume that we will never meet again."

"Yes," he replied in the same dead voice. "That's my intent."

He then walked from the office of the man that called himself his father for what he hoped would be the last time.

Even before Shinji had left his office Gendo was on the phone.

"This is me. Erase the Third Child's REM. Rei will become Unit-01's designated pilot, with the Dummy plug as backup."

He then hung up, effectively sealing the fate of the former pilot.

AaAaA

Standing outside the train terminal, Shinji faced Misato as she stood next to the NERV car that had brought them to the station, the driver waiting patiently for her to return.

"I don't think Asuka will be coming. She must be pretty disgusted with me," Shinji said as he looked at Misato.

"Yes, she didn't even ask me to say goodbye to you," she replied while watching his face for a reaction of some sort. She was scared when she saw none aside from the small smile that graced his lips; he was becoming like Rei, or worse, his father.

"That sounds like her. That's good." He said with the small smile still in place, pleased that Asuka would continue to be herself no matter what.

"It's going to be hard if you keep hiding your anger like that." Misato gently scolded.

"That's your philosophy, Misato. I can't live the way you do."

This made her pause for a moment before she could continue on, was she really trying to push her way of life onto him? This thought left her as soon as it came and she was able to continue on.

_**What can I do  
Will I make it through  
I must be true to myself**_

"As I'm sure you know, there will be a lot of restrictions placed upon your activities from now on."

"Yes, I know that. But..." he began but cut himself off.

"Yes," she prodded hopefully, praying that he'd change his mind and go back to NERV with her.

"Let me ask you one thing? Why was Touji chosen to be the Fourth Child?" he asked, the question having been burning in his mind since he woke up in the hospital.

"It would seem that all of the students in your class are fourth level candidates, Shinji. I just found out myself that it was yet another elaborate fabrication."

"All of them, all of my classmates?" he asked in shock, anyone of them could have been chosen instead of Touji, even Kensuke. Shinji struggled to keep the shock off his face especially at the thought of how Kensuke would react if he was chosen, he'd probably pass out. His musings were interrupted when Misato began speaking again.

"Shinji about Suzuhara, that was a mistake that can't be mended with words alone. But I have to be honest with you; I was projecting all of my dreams, hopes and purpose onto you. I know that it's been a huge burden for you. But we and by that I mean everyone at NERV, have had no choice except to place our future in your hands. I want you to remember that."

"The end justifies the means?" he asked with a slight bitterness in his voice. He was never a fan of that theory, since the means almost always brought pain and suffering to innocent people.

"Yes, that's how it is. And another thing, I'll be leaving your pass-code to headquarters and your room as they are."

"What's the point? Get rid of them. It's over now, I won't pilot that thing." He said as he waved his hand, effectively wiping away any possibility of him piloting again. This also effectively ended their conversation. Misato got back in her car and Shinji went to wait for his train.

Once back in the car Misato began to think about the Shinji she had just left. _This is the real Shinji talking. I've never heard him sound so certain about anything before._

As the car vanished, Shinji stood on the platform waiting for the train. After several long minutes he looked up at the platform sign just as an automated message began to play.

_A special state of emergency has been declared for the Tokai region. All residents must evacuate to their designated shelters immediately. A special state of emergency has been declared for the Tokai region..._

Even as he watched the display board changed from its normal **Special Express Train to New Atsugi Departure Time 1338** to instead display the horrifying phrase **Emergency Route** along with an arrow pointing away from the station.

"An Angel..." he breathed out in a whisper before the reality sunk in and he began looking for a shelter.

AaAaA

Shinji could only stare numbly at the severed head of Unit-02 where it had crashed into the shelter he had been hiding in, killing some of those around him.

Recovering from his shock he quickly followed the other surviving refugees out of the damaged shelter, but he couldn't help but stop and stare at the armless and headless body of Unit-02 as it still stood following the Angel's attack.

He didn't even register the other occupants of the shelter leaving for another undamaged refuge.

"Asuka..." he said in a whisper, horrified at the damage before him

"Hey Shinji."

He turned to the sound of the familiar voice. Standing a few feet from him, watering a patch of watermelons was Kaji.

"Kaji. What are you doing here?" he asked as he approached the older man.

"That's my line. What are you doing here, Shinji?" he asked with a small smile as he continued to water.

"I, I decided that I'd never pilot an Eva again. Since I decided that..." he broke off and turned his head to the side, unable to look Kaji in the eye.

"Oh really?" he replied with feigned interest. "Well to answer your question, since my other job became public knowledge, I'm off the combat roster. So, here I am sprinkling."

"At a time like this?" Shinji asked in shock.

"What better time? Although I'd rather be between Misato's melons, this is a place I'd like to be when I die." He said before smiling at the thought of Misato and her melons.

"Die?" Shinji replied, not having thought about that, yet knowing that there was always the possibility.

"That's right." Kaji said with a nod, "It is said that if an Angel comes into contact with Adam, who lies sleeping beneath this very ground, humanity will be eradicated in the Third Impact. The only thing that can stop this is the one thing that has power equal to an Angel's, Evangelion."

Even as they stood talking, the one-armed form of Unit-00 rose from the ground carrying an N2 mine.

"Ayanami! With no rifle!" Shinji all but shouted in panic, fear washing over him as she was completely unprotected against the Angel.

As he and Kaji watched on, Rei ran toward the Angel, the N2 held against the Eva's body. When Central Dogma noticed the N2 there was panic. Even as they watched she engaged the Angel and penetrated the AT Field with the mine. She was sadly too late as a bony cover enclosed the core even as the N2 went critical.

There was a blinding flash that engulfed the Angel and Eva. As they regained their vision Shinji and Kaji watched as both the Eva and Angel remained. Before Rei could react the Angel had severed her Eva's head.

Turning to face Kaji he didn't even flinch as the Angel blasted into the NERV pyramid.

"Shinji, the only thing I can do is stand here and water. But you, you have something that you can do, that only you can do. Nobody is forcing you. Think for yourself and make that decision by yourself. Think about what you have to do now. Think about no longer having any regrets."

Shinji took a moment to think about this before looking back at the beheaded Unit-00, his only though was a small prayer that Rei was ok. Before Kaji could even blink the boy had run off toward NERV, his backpack left lying in the dirt.

AaAaA

Inside the Command Center things were a flurry as they tried to get Unit-01 to accept the Dummy Plug. Gendo Ikari stood on the catwalk to Unit-01's cage as he monitored the activation. Behind him the radio chatter from the bridge was piped through the cage's speakers.

"Direct hit on the third foundation," Aoba shouted.

"The final armor plate has melted." Hyuga said as he typed on his keyboard, hoping the information was wrong, yet knowing it wasn't.

"Damn it! It's open; the main shaft is completely open!" Misato yelled even as she turned to Ritsuko for the status on Unit-01.

"Isn't Unit One ready yet?" The faux-blonde yelled over the intercom.

"It's still refusing the Dummy plug." One of the techs replied.

"It's not working. No response detected." Another tech responded even as the bridge received the same information.

"Keep trying. Repeat the process from step 1-0-8." Gendo ordered from his position on the catwalk, knowing that it would work eventually, but did they have the time to wait for that eventuality? No, what they needed was a miracle.

"I'll pilot it!" Shinji yelled as he all but fell into the cages, out of breath from his run.

"Why are you here?" Gendo said as he half turned toward Shinji, his miracle in disguise.

_**Voiceless Screaming  
Calling to me inside of my heart  
Voiceless Screaming  
Now is the time I got to speak out**_

"I'm here because I'm the pilot. I'm the pilot of Unit-01, Shinji Ikari." Shinji said as he struggled to catch his breath. Gendo merely smiled a small unnoticed smile. The pawn had returned to the chess board.

"Very well."

AaAaA

"We've been breached! Target is inside the main shaft! It's advancing." Aoba yelled over the sounds of the klaxons.

"Where is it heading?" Misato asked as she stopped her pacing around the bridge.

"It's advancing directly towards Central Dogma!" Hyuga said after a moment of silence as he checked his sensors.

"It's coming here." Misato said before giving an order she never thought she'd have to give. "All personnel evacuate."

"All personnel evacuate. Repeat, all personnel evacuate, this is not a drill." Hyuga announced over the intercom.

Even as the bridge crew began to evacuate the wall in front of the bridge began to tumble in, followed behind by the Angel.

For a terrifying moment Misato had a chance to stare into what would pass for the face of the Angel. Her moment was shattered as the Angel began to draw energy into a blast. Before the Angel could fire an Evangelion broke through another wall and knocked the Angel into the Cages.

"Huh..." Misato said as she blinked as the Angel before her vanished with the Eva.

"Eva Unit-01! Shinji!" She yelled.

As soon as Shinji had the Angel in his grip he let out a war cry, letting out all his frustration at his friends and those he cared about being hurt.

Knocking the Angel to the ground he raised his left arm to punch but was stopped when the Angel blasted his arm from the Eva's body, the blood spraying onto Gendo as he watched the battle from the catwalk.

"Ahhh!" Shinji screamed as he grabbed his left arm in pain.

_Damn neural connections!_ He thought before focusing on the battle with the Angel, pushing past the pain and channeling it into his battle. His visage turned dark as the hate took over him and was channeled into the Eva. To put it mildly, he looked like a man possessed.

"Misato!" He yelled as he struggled to hold the Angel on the catapult that would take him to the surface.

"Launch the 5th catapult!" Misato screamed as she dashed to the terminal that would initiate the action, racing in the event the operator wasn't fast enough. They were.

"Agggh!" Shinji screamed as the g-forces helped to press him against the Angel, his hand holding the Angel's head against the wall as they rose.

Reaching the surface they wasted no time in fighting. Blow for blow they fought, the insanity still holding onto Shinji even as he began to laugh like a madman as he toyed with the Angel.

Following the intense blows, neither opponent was in perfect condition, wounds were visible on both combatants, even the Angel.

After trading blow for blow with the Angel, he was tired of the games. Shinji was ready to make a final strike when all went dark.

"Huh? Energy reserves depleted! What the hell?" He said even as that indicator winked out.

"Unit-01 has completely drained its reserve! The backup power supply isn't working!" Maya yelled as she read the data on her portable screen. Central Dogma entirely deserted, they now stood watching the battle on the surface.

"Move, move, move! Why won't you move? Move now or there's no point to any of this!" Shinji screamed as he tried to make the Eva move.

Despite his pleas and curses, Unit-01 wouldn't start. The Angel took the chance to attack. Using its paper like arms it pierced the armor on Unit-01's chest before sending a small blast into the opening, creating a direct path to Unit-01's core.

Methodically it began to beat the core with its arms, knowing that a hit would eventually crack it and that Unit-01 couldn't fight back. So in light of this the Angel took its time and savored the imminent death of its opponent.

Inside the entry plug Shinji continued to beg the Eva to move, his pleas growing more frantic as the walls of the plug began to crack.

Before his impending death one thought flashed through his mind, _no regrets._ But even as this too passed, he became aware of a small trickle of power surrounding him, and then he knew nothing but the darkness.

Shinji's eyes became blank as the Eva began to reactivate; all around him the once red lighting turned a pale blue.

Lifting its right arm it caught the Angel's paper arm which streamed past the Eva's fingers. Closing its hand on the streamers and wrapping them around its fist, the Eva pulled the Angel to it, meeting it face to face before kicking it away. In its hand were the remains of the Angel's arm.

Placing the paper to its own severed arm, the Eva began to regenerate the lost limb, only this time it looked frighteningly human.

"It's reactivated," Maya said in shock without having to even look at her screen.

"Oh my God..." Misato said as the Eva's mouth broke free of the restraints and let out a roar that shook those watching it. Following its roar the Eva turned its attention to the recovering Angel. Its mouth taking on a sickening grin, it charged the Angel.

"This is impossible, it must be wrong. How can Shinji's sync-ratio with Unit-01 be over 400 percent?" Maya said after double checking the readings.

"It's finally happened; the Eva is aware." Ritsuko said in resignation, disgust, and fear.

The scene before them was enough to make a hardened soldier sick to their stomach. Unit-01 had merely lifted its right hand and drove the Angel back in a spray of its own blood, away from NERV. As the Angel tried to rise the Eva was on top of it, holding its head down as it began to feast on the Angel. Tearing into its chest and pulling chunks of flesh off before chewing and swallowing, then returning for more, effectively eating the Angel alive. While the entire time the Angel struggled to free itself.

As the blood and gore splashed the surrounding area, Unit-01 leaned back on its haunches and roared again before returning to its meal, feasting on the now motionless Angel.

"It's eating the Angel..." Misato said as she struggled not to throw up.

"The S2 organ, she's taking it into herself," Ritsuko said as she realized what was happening.

"Eva Unit-01 is... is..." She began only to train off as the Eva began to dismember the Angel, tearing its arms off first in a shower of blood, bone and gore.

Maya was unable to contain it and threw up, something that all watching wanted to do.

The sounds of tearing ligaments and snapping bone the only thing masking Maya's heaves, but soon that awful sound ended and the silence drew the attention of all present.

"It's breaking free!" Ritsuko shouted as the Eva stood from the Angel's remains and stretched, forcing the armor that bound it to shatter and fall to the ground, giving out a muted roar as it did so.

"Free of what?!" Hyuga asked as he comforted Maya, patting her back as she continued to vomit.

"Those plates weren't just armor, they were also restraints. Those bindings allowed us to control it. But now the Eva is removing the web that binds it to our will. The beast inside the Eva is free at last." Ritsuko explained.

"Unit-01's awakened and then set free. SEELE sure won't stay quiet for this. Was this part of your scenario, Commander Ikari?" Kaji asked with a smirk as he watched the Eva roar its victory and defiance.

"It's begun at last," Fuyutsuki said as he and Gendo watched the carnage on a monitor.

"Indeed, this is the beginning," Gendo replied with a full blown smirk as all the pieces of the plan were falling into place.

_Soon Yui, soon_. He thought as the Eva continued to roar.

_**Voice of faith, I'm starting to realize  
Now my eyes can see  
I have gone so far  
I'm feeling breath of life**_

AaAaA

"So what you're saying is that Shinji has been absorbed into the Eva?" Misato asked as she stared in shock at Ritsuko Akagi. Several days after the incident with the Angel, Ritsuko had called a meeting of the Bridge Bunnies, the Evangelion Pilots, Misato and the Commander.

Around her there was a nearly mirrored look on all the assembled faces, save that of the Commander, Maya and Ritsuko. The rest of the bridge bunnies were just as shocked as Misato was. Hell even Asuka's jaw had dropped open in shock. Rei was even wearing her concern plainly visible on her face, a fact she didn't even try to hide from the Commander.

"That's correct," Commander Ikari said from his position at the head of the table, his hands folded before his face.

"Is there anything we can do?" Misato asked when the shock had died down somewhat.

"Well, knowing that the Eva is refusing any ejection signals does limit the possible salvage options." Akagi replied with a small sigh.

"What do you mean salvage? Oh my … you're going to try to salvage Shinji? Wait, define 'salvage'!" Misato said with a hint of anger in her voice.

"Well, theoretically Shinji's life force still exists in there." Akagi replied in a slow tone, hoping that her old college friend would understand; she also hoped that the others gathered would understand as well.

"Ha! And will you be respecting that life this time?" Misato asked, remembering the option to retrieve Unit-01 after it had been swallowed by the Twelfth Angel.

"Losing Shinji is out of the question now," Ritsuko said with an empathic shake of her head.

"Oh, I don't know. What NERV wants is Unit-01 as their tool not Shinji," Misato all but yelled, forgetting the fact that Gendo was still in the room.

"I don't deny it," Ritsuko replied, casting a worried eye over Gendo, who for his part seemed to have all but tuned out the conversation at present. "In the past that was indeed our view, but currently Shinji is the only pilot capable of synchronizing with Unit-01, so his retrieval is of the utmost value."

"Our assumption is that Shinji's body lost its ego border and that he's now floating in the entry plug, in quantum form," Maya answered after checking over her notes. While she had helped to come to that conclusion to hear it openly stated still shocked her, especially the implications of the word 'salvage'.

"You're saying that Shinji has shifted into a form we can't see?" Asuka asked into the silence that followed.

"Yes. The LCL has chemically altered him to something very similar to the sea water of primitive earth," Maya answered her with a nod.

"In fact it's almost identical to the primordial soup we've duplicated in laboratories," Ritsuko filled in.

"Primordial soup..." Rei said in a whispered voice, lost in her own thoughts even as the conversation continued on around her.

"Yes. All of the substances which compose Shinji are still preserved in the plug and his soul exists there as well. In fact his ego image is giving a sort of substance to his plug suit," Ritsuko said, answering the pale girl's question, surprised that she had spoken at all.

"In other words, the salvage operation must both reconstruct his body and return his soul into it," Maya added.

"Is that possible?" Asuka asked with unhidden surprise.

"Possible," Ritsuko said with a shrug. "But with the Magi's support, yes it is."

"This is all theoretical stuff you're talking about, isn't it? You won't know what will really happen until you do it." Misato accused as she turned hateful eyes on the person she once thought was her friend.

AaAaA

Several days had passed since the meeting discussing Unit-01 and Shinji.

Now as Unit-01 stood in its cage, held in place by the restraints, Rei stood on the cat walk staring as the Eva.

"Why?" she whispered in a soft voice, so quiet that a person standing beside her wouldn't have heard it, yet somehow she knew the Eva did.

"Why?" she once again asked the silent mecha. "Why have you taken him from me? Just as I was beginning to understand what emotions were."

She was silent after that; she just stood staring into the dormant eyes before her. Her own red orbs were pleading for Shinji to be returned to her.

"Rei?"

She turned to the voice off to her right. Standing before her was Misato.

"What are you doing here?" Misato asked the girl.

Rei was silent for a moment as she stared at the Major, her mind developing her response.

"Thinking," she said softly as she turned back to face Unit-01.

"Thinking? About Shinji?" Misato teased as she approached and stood next to Rei. Now it may have been her imagination, but Misato could have sworn that there was a faint blush on Rei's cheeks.

Needless to say Misato was thrown for a loop by Rei's reply to her teasing.

"Yes."

A simple word to be sure, but coming from Rei it held so much more meaning than that. Misato could hear the fear and uncertainty in her voice as she stared at the behemoth that had absorbed Shinji.

"Rei, I know that you and Shinji have been getting closer. I've been watching you two for a while. I know this is hard on you, but I want you to know that if you need it, I'm here for you." Although Misato highly doubted that Rei would even talk to her again, she had to make the offer, for Shinji's sake.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Misato asked, confused by the question.

"Why would you care?"

"I care because you are important to Shinji, and he's important to me. I care because I care about you too."

This answer surprised Rei; never had anyone told her they cared about her. She thought about the poem that Shinji had written and quickly rephrased her pervious statement; she had never had anyone say they cared about her and actually meant it. She hadn't thought much about the meaning of the poem, she had of course pondered on the words themselves and their individual meanings, but she hadn't read the subtext of his words until now. True he had admitted he felt for her, but he had stated boldly that he cared, and not for the first time either. There was also the time with the Fifth Angel when she had smiled for him and only him.

With a sudden jolt of realization Rei came to the conclusion that feeling for someone and caring for them were two entirely separate things. You could feel all manner of emotions for a person, but when you cared for a person, it was so much more powerful then mere feelings.

Staring up at the silent Eva Rei didn't hear Misato bid her a farewell. Rei lost track of how much time had passed since the Major's departure, and to be honest she didn't care. She stood still, staring at the Eva and silently begging it to return Shinji to her.

_**And I'm looking for love to reach  
Someone I want to touch deep inside  
Light shines on my sight of doubt  
Don't be afraid  
Move forward one step  
Willing mind is what I have found at last**_

AaAaA

Floating. Drifting.

Those were the sensations that he was aware of. He knew he couldn't open his eyes, it was as though he didn't even have any, yet still he knew where he was, more or less.

Shinji Ikari was floating in warmth. That was his universe and he was happy to remain there. Never had he ever been so at peace. In all his life he had never been this happy.

Life? Did he even have a life? Or had this warmth around him been eternal, holding him in its embrace since time immemorial.

Yet even in the warmth, there was darkness. He couldn't see anything nor did he want to try. He just wanted to float here forever.

AaAaA

Almost a month after he was absorbed into the Eva the work continued to try and bring Shinji back. The Eva cage was a flurry as technicians performed last minute checks and prepared the equipment for the task at hand.

The tension on the bridge was palpable, no one wanted to fail and lose Shinji, but for each the reason was different, some because it was their job, others because they pitied him, and still fewer because they actually wanted him back.

"All of the probes have been inserted. Electromagnetic radius is fixed at 0 -3." The announcements came over the loud speakers on the bridge.

"Ego-border pulse connection is complete," Maya said as she logged the information into the Magi.

"Roger. Start the salvage operation," Ritsuko said as she crossed her fingers and began to silently pray.

"Initiating program," Hyuga said as data flashed across his terminal. "Transmitting first signal."

"Signal received, no rejection," Aoba confirmed as he received the feedback from Hyuga's signal.

"Proceed to send the second and third signals," Maya called from her own station as she continued to monitor the data, hope growing in her heart as each step was successfully completed.

"Subject's catharsis is normal. Destrudo cannot be confirmed," a nameless and all but faceless technician called from their own station.

"Affirmative. Shift the subject to stage 2," Ritsuko said as she released a breath she didn't even know she'd been holding.

"Come on, Shinji," Misato begged as she watched the proceedings.

As all the attention was turned to the Eva and monitoring the salvage operation, no one noticed that Rei had entered the cages and now stood before Unit-01, a piece of paper clutched in her hand even though it was all but unnecessary.

"Shinji," she said quietly to the Eva, her presence ignored by the few technicians located in the cage as they struggled to retrieve Shinji.

"I wanted to read something for you. It is the poem that you wrote for me." She paused as she considered her next words. "I realize that my actions that day were not the correct ones. Since you have been gone I have had time to think. I have come to realize that I want to know more about my emotions and I want you to help me."

Had any one been paying her any attention that would have been started to hear the oft times considered mute girl say anything more than a few words and even more so when considering who and what they were directed at. But then again, love does have a strange way of changing a person.

She stood looking up at the face of the Eva before she began to read:

"_Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul,  
A look into a person's very core."_

AaAaA

His liquid universe was disturbed by a shockwave that came from no where and everywhere.

Shinji was confused as waves formed from the shockwave and began to toss him about.

_What's happening?_ He thought as he began to sink beneath the surface. He didn't fear drowning; he knew the warmth wouldn't let that happen. Yet he still felt fear of the unknown as another shockwave shook his world and he was pulled deeper beneath the surface.

AaAaA

"It's no good! His ego borderline is frozen into a fixed loop," Maya said as she frantically typed at her console, trying desperately to prove her statement wrong.

"Try to irradiate the wave patterns from all directions!" Ritsuko moved to stand behind Maya's station even as the younger woman followed her orders. "My God! All of the radiated signals are being dropped in Klein space."

"What does that mean?" Misato frantically asked when she noted the panic of the bridge crew.

"It means... we failed," Ritsuko said even as her shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Huh?" Misato said as elegant as ever in her confusion.

"_In your eyes, I see your pain,  
I see all your hurts and fears.  
I feel your loneliness when you look at me,  
It eats away at my soul, your pain joining us together as one."_

After a moments thought Ritsuko came up with another plan that may work. Standing tall she put it into action.

"Abort intervention! Reverse the tangent graph! Set the addition value at zero!"

"Right!" Maya said with renewed determination, the expression on Dr. Akagi's face giving hope to all present.

"Destrudo reaction in the Q area. Pattern is sepia," Aoba confirmed all the while asking himself what exactly he had just said.

"I've got a change in the core pulse too!" Hyuga said as a message flashed on his screen. "Plus 03 confirmed!"

"The water temperature is rising," the nameless tech called out before relaying the readings. "36, 38, 41, 58, 76, 97, 106..."

"Maintaining current condition has priority! Stop that back-flow!" Ritsuko yelled even as she typed on the console before her, trying to prevent the worst from happening.

"Right," Maya replied with equal vigor as her Sempai. "Plus 0.5, 0.8. This is all wrong! I can't stop it!"

"The internal pressures overloading. It's over the predicted value. It's going into the danger zone."

"What's going on?! Don't you want to come back? Why Shinji?" Ritsuko silently whispered to the Eva even as she continued to work.

AaAaA

Far beneath the surface of his watery world he felt safe from the shockwaves. But even as this thought crossed his mind a noise came to him. At first it was like the sound of a small flying insect, faint and indistinct. Yet it grew louder as the shockwaves grew in power.

Behind the insect sound there was another sound. Someone was whispering in his ear, their arms wrapped around him from behind, hugging him to them. A sensation washed over him and he knew that he knew the being holding him. He fought with his mind to come up with an answer even as the insect sound grew louder and more distinct.

Finally amid the barrage of sound from both sources he knew who was holding him.

Mother.

At this realization her whispers became solid words, no longer hidden from him.

"Shinji, my son. I'm proud of you. Now is you time to rest. Your work on Earth is done. Stay with me and rest forever."

Oh how he wanted to tell her he would, but every time he tried to make that clear he was interrupted by another voice. The faint insect he realized was in fact another being calling to him.

It too cried for him to stay with them. But the difference in the two was that the other one calling him wanted him to stay with them and to be by their side in the real world. The second voice was begging him to live.

Even as the two voices grew in strength he recognized the second one. It was a voice he never thought he'd hear calling him. Rei.

"Shinji, please return to me. Please be with me. I need you."

In that instant all became clear as knowledge of what happened came back in a wave of sights, sounds, and feelings. He remembered the Angel entering NERV, him fighting it and then the Eva losing all power. And now he knew where he was, he was in the Eva. His mother was in the Eva! And she wanted him to stay with her while Rei wanted him to return.

With the two voices trying to sway him their way he knew that he'd have to chose one of the two, and he'd have to do it soon.

AaAaA

"_Your soul calls to me,  
Asking, seeking, begging for a reason to go on.  
I see the path your silent tears have followed,  
How I ache to reach out and rub the crystalline drops from existence,  
How I wish you would let me."_

"The Eva," Maya began her tone one of shock, "it's rejecting the signal."

"Shinji's ego formation is disintegrating in the LCL," Aoba stated even as his fingers flew across the keys, sending the info to the other stations.

"Pressure in the plug is increasing," Hyuga reported.

"Abort all operations. Power down, Power down!!" Ritsuko yelled in panic.

AaAaA

"Shinji, stay with me here, be safe and protected forever."

"Shinji_ ..How I ache to reach out and rub the crystalline drops from existence,  
How I wish you would let me._. please return to me."

Listening to the two beg him to stay with them, he made his decision.

AaAaA

"It's not working. The plug is being ejected." Maya said, the fear evident in her voice as all eyes turned to watch the cylinder spin out of the back of the Eva and eject the LCL into the surrounding air.

"Shinji!" Misato screamed even as the LCL was ejected onto the catwalk.

"_Let me be the one to soothe your pain,  
Let me be the one to comfort you.  
Show me your loneliness and I'll show you mine,  
Together we can find a reason."_

Even before Misato could leave the command center and rush to the cage she was stopped in mid-step by the sight of Rei kneeling in the ejected LCL, tears running down her face as she silently wept into the fluid that had been Shinji.

All on the bridge are transfixed by the scene below them. None had ever seen Rei so much as smile, but to see her now in tears was too much. Most were checking to make sure they hadn't been taken to an alternate dimension.

But at the realization that what they saw before them was real, most were heart broken for the young girl, she had lost her only friend and was now grieving over what remained of him.

Rei was oblivious to the stares of the people that had slowly started to surround her, most of them were technicians, but a few staff from the bridge had joined them, Misato being one of them.

She continued to cry into the LCL, her tears diluting the foul smelling liquid. Rei only stopped crying long enough for a shuddering sob to rake across her fragile body, tearing her soul even further.

But even as all hope seemed lost for her a sound to her left drew her attention. She turned toward it for it was a strange wet thump. Her eyes went wide as she took in what had made the sound. There before her, lying naked and hopefully only unconscious was Shinji, his body having been reformed and phased out of the body of the Eva.

Before anyone else could move Rei was by his side, clutching his body to her as she checked for a pulse. To her great relief she found one, weak but still a pulse. Pulling his body into her lap she wrapped her arms around him and cried into his shoulder. After a moment of crying she moved her mouth to be beside his ear, struggling to speak through the tears, this time of joy.

"_Let me be the one to hold you when you cry,  
Let me be the one you turn to.  
Above all, I ask, let me be the one to love you."_

She concluded, having memorized the poem before hand.

"Shinji, I do love you. Please wake up, please come back to me," She whispered.

After that she was unable to say any more as he was pulled from her by the paramedics and rushed to the infirmary. Rei stood and began to follow, only to collapse into the arms of Dr. Akagi, the emotions having taken their toll on her.

_**Voiceless Screaming  
Calling to me inside of my heart  
Voiceless Screaming  
Now is the time I got to speak out**_

AaAaA

Light slowly began to creep into the world of one Shinji Ikari, pushing the enveloping darkness back into the shadows of the subconscious. Gone was the warmth of the liquid universe, in its place was a slightly warm yet still slightly chilly environment.

His vision became a blurred haze of whites, grays, and blacks. His hearing slowly returned as the faint and steady sound of rhythmic beeping reached his brain. A faint repetitive hiss joined the beeps as more sounds made their presence known.

His sense of touch was the next to return, he could feel the soft fabric of bed sheets as they covered him, their soft cotton threads gentle against his skin. He knew that his head was resting on a fluffy pillow; he could feel the sides of the pillow on his face as it dipped to hold his head. He was vaguely aware of his hand brushing against cold metal as it twitched involuntarily. Sadly he was also aware of the IV that was in his arm.

His sense of taste attacked with a vengeance as the taste of tin filled his lungs. With this final bit of information he realized where he was. The knowledge of where he was came flooding back to him even as his other senses remained elusive. He knew he was in the Hospital, what he didn't know was why. The last thing he remembered had been fighting the Angel outside of the NERV pyramid. Could the battle have gone that badly?

His thoughts on the fate of Angels was cut short as a new sound reached his ears and a new sensation awakened to him. Somewhere close by he heard the gentle sound of breathing, it sounded as though the person were asleep. In addition to that he noticed the fact that his hand was both warm and being held in the grip of another's.

_Misato_, he thought even as he tried to force his eyes to accept the information he knew they were seeing. But sadly some part of his brain wanted to hold onto the dark comfort that he had known until his waking moment.

In a somewhat vain attempt to clear the fog from his eyes he shook his head, the action dislodged the oxygen mask he had been wearing, the hissing sound and tin taste his mind filled in.

With some reluctance he realized that he had to rely on his other senses for the moment. Gently he closed his hand tighter around the one holding his. He realized with a detached interest that the hand was too small to be Misato's, but while it wasn't hers it was definitely female, the skin was too soft and smooth to be male.

Absently rubbing his thumb over the soft skin he fought to recognize the familiarity that the skin presented him. He had felt it before, but where? The unique sensation that touching it produced was so familiar that it was driving him crazy that he couldn't place it. The fact that the contact was sending small electric jolts to his fingers didn't help one bit.

Softly he heard a sound coming from the sleeping woman, he strained to force his cotton filled ears to identify the sound. His mind exploded in a kaleidoscope of senses as he identified the voice and the hand and where he had felt their skin before, or more accurate what part of the skin he had felt before. A blush rose to his face even as the name appeared in his mind.

Rei.

His eyes began to focus and he turned his head to look at the blue haired girl sleeping next to his bed, her hand holding his. The sound came again, but this time he was able to understand what it was.

"Ikari," she whispered in her sleep, her head resting on her arm even as it crossed atop the one that held his own hand. Her hair had fallen into her face, waving gently when she breathed in and out. Needless to say he was mesmerized by her beauty. Shaking his head to dispel those thoughts he began looking around the hospital room. It was different than the one he was used to.

The walls, floor and ceiling were the same sterile white, but what was different was what was in the room. All around him stood monitors, IV stands, testing equipment and other devices he couldn't identify, nor did he want to.

But that isn't what caught his eye, what drew his attention were the flowers sitting next to his bedside. Not once in all the times he had been in the Hospital had he ever received flowers. He began to wonder who had given them to him when his musings were cut short by a gentle squeeze on his hand and a soft moan from the lips of Rei Ayanami, she was waking up.

He was silent as her eyes opened and moved around the room before landing on him. He was wholly surprised when she said his name and threw her arms around his shoulders, burying her head in the fabric of his hospital gown.

"I thought you were dead," she whispered as she buried her head deeper into the crook of his neck, taking in the scent that was uniquely Shinji.

Shinji could only smile as he awkwardly rubbed her back with one hand; the other was pinned to his side.

"You mean I'm not dead?" he said to the room at large, his grin fading slightly at the thought that this very well may not be Heaven.

"What? Why?" a slightly more composed Rei asked when she pulled away.

"Things like this only happen in my dreams, and this is too good to be a dream so I must be dead and this must be heaven." he replied with a gentle smile.

"Let me reassure you that you are very much alive," Misato's voice came from the direction of the door.

As she entered, Rei returned to the seat she had just vacated, but not once did she release his hand once she had reclaimed it in her own.

"You've been in a coma for the past two weeks, Shinji. Rei here has stayed by your side almost the entire time." When Misato said this Shinji looked at Rei. Her face had turned away from him but he was still able to see the light blush that tinted her pale cheeks.

When he turned back to face his guardian, he noticed the smirk on her face. Refusing to rise to the bait he instead asked her a question that had been bothering him for the past few minutes.

"So I've been out for two weeks?"

"Err, not exactly. How much do you remember from your coma, anything?"

"Nothing really," he replied as he paused to remember, "Mainly darkness and sounds. I remember hearing voices speaking to me."

"What did they say?" Misato asked as she took a comfortable position against the wall.

"I… I can't remember, I'm sorry Misato," he said as he bowed his head. To be honest he did remember what they said, he just didn't want Misato to know. While his eyes were turned toward the floor he couldn't help but steal glances at Rei as she sat watching the exchange.

_Why had she stayed this whole time? Normally she would have left once Misato had shown up._ Shinji's mind was a jumble as the words he had heard when he was unconscious returned to the surface of his mind.

The thing he remembered most was a longing, a desire to be somewhere else. He felt a call from far away but he was unable to go to it, try as he might. No matter how he fought he didn't seem to move from the muck he felt trapped in, yet even though he was trapped, he was reluctant to leave. It was warm and comforting to him, he just wanted to stay there in that place forever, if only the voices would shut-up and let him rest.

This wasn't all he remembered, he remembered returning to his mind like he had when the Twelfth Angel had swallowed him. The only difference this time was the presence of Rei in his dream. The dream Rei was telling him that he wasn't worthless and that he was wanted by his friends. He had argued with her, telling her that no one needed him. No one had ever been nice to him so why would they need him?

He knew that this cyclical argument was futile since he had realized before all this started that he needed the others, especially Rei, but it was all he had to defend himself against the truth in his own mind.

He pushed these memories away when he heard Misato dismiss his apology. He straightened, but quickly felt dizzy as the blood rushed to his face. He was lucky to not have hit the floor, he would have too if Rei hadn't caught him in time.

"Thank you Rei," he said as she helped him to lay flat.

"It is not a problem Shinji," she said softly, neither aware that they had used the other's first name, a fact Misato had filed away for later teasing.

"You were asking me about my memories, why?" Shinji asked once he had been settled, completely unaware of Rei's small hand tucked into his once again.

"Ummm," Misato stammered as she struggled to remember why she had asked that. "Oh, yeah … well, you weren't just in a coma for two weeks, umm. You … you were…"

"You were absorbed into Unit-01," Rei said as she stared at Shinji's face, awaiting a response. She could tell that Misato was waiting as well.

"Oh," he said in a surprised voice. "For how long?"

"A month," Rei supplied again, Misato seemed to be unable to speak at the moment.

"So I've been unconscious for a month and a half?"

"That is correct," Rei replied with a nod.

"I see," he said as he lay back against the pillow, his hand still clutching Rei's. He had a lot to think about.

Seeing that she would be unable to talk to him until he worked this out Misato quietly backed out of the room, leaving Rei to hold Shinji's hand.

AaAaA

"The Third is recovering well," the Sub-Commander said as he and Gendo watched the close-circuit display of the aforementioned pilot's hospital room.

"Indeed, he may be able to pilot again soon," Gendo replied without moving from his folded hand position.

"What of the apparent relationship developing between the First and the Third? Should we not destroy it before it goes too far?"

"No," Gendo said after a moments pause. "Let them continue. If nothing else it will raise their sync ratios. But it has an added benefit for us Sensei, he will be our leverage should she decide not to follow the scenario come the Sixteenth."

_You would use him against the girl he loves? What kind of monster have you become Ikari?_ He thought before replying. "Yes, there are indeed nothing but benefits for us."

_But then again, I'm just as big of a monster as you are, I can only hope fate is kind when judging us._

AaAaA

It had been several days since he had woken up; he'd been released from the hospital only the day before. Now he stood looking over the city of Tokyo-3. The wind of the lookout was blowing his hair back from his face even as the sun warmed him.

He stood with his head back and face turned upward. He often came here to think, ever since the Fifth angel. He found that the sun and wind helped to take away his troubled thoughts and restore some measure of peace to him.

"Ikari," a voice behind him broke his tranquility. He had almost forgotten that Rei was with him. Since he had woken up she hadn't left his side unless ordered to by Misato. When he had come out here to think she had followed.

"Yes Rei?" he asked as he slowly turned to face her. What he saw took his breath away; her hair was being blown into her face by the wind. Her hand slowly and gently raised to move the locks from her face. The sun was shining on her pale skin, making her glow with an almost ethereal light as though she were a true Angel.

The wind played with her school uniform, whipping the skirt around her legs, but he paid this no mind, instead he continued to stare at her face. A face that now bore emotions that were clearly visible on the surface, at least to him. The month and a half he had been gone must have really forced her to change.

"Why have we come here?" she asked as she moved to push the hair from her face once again.

Shinji wasn't paying any attention to her question, he was so transfixed by her subtle beauty, yet another thing he loved about her. She never put on makeup to look beautiful, all her beauty came naturally.

His mind suddenly slammed to a stop. _Wait, love? Do I love Rei?_ He began to think, forgetting that he had already reached this conclusion before he was absorbed.

_Yes,_ he said to himself as the memories came flooding back. _I remember now. I do love her, with all my heart and soul. It is for her that I pilot the Eva, to protect her and keep her safe. I'd die for her._

"Ikari?" Rei asked again when she realized that he wasn't listening to her. "Shinji?"

His first name broke through his thoughts once again. "Yes?"

"I asked why we have come here. You began to stare at me and appeared to lose concentration."

"Oh," he said with a blush. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about something. We came up here to think. This is where I come to think about my life, Evangelion, NERV, anything really."

"I see," she said with a nod as she just stared at him, taking in his features. She was somewhat surprised when he turned from her and walked to the edge of the lookout and sat on the wall, legs dangling over the side.

"Can I tell you something Rei?"

"Of course, Ikari," she answered both shocked and intrigued by his question.

"I remember when I was absorbed into the Eva. I know I told Ritsuko and Misato that I didn't remember anything but I lied. I can't explain what it was like, but it was similar to when I was swallowed by the Twelfth Angel. I was in my mind, talking and arguing with myself, at least for a portion of it." He paused to let out a laugh as his choice of phrase. "I know I sound crazy saying that but it's what I was doing."

"I was arguing about whether or not I wanted to come back or if I wanted to just disappear into the Eva. My mind kept flashing memories at me, trying to make me realize that I was worth something to someone, but I was able to come up with a counter each time. I remember I was winning the argument; I was so close to death that I could feel it, it wasn't a cold hand like most people imagine. It was a warm sensation that comforted me, I felt as though I were floating. It was the most peaceful I had ever been, I was content to just stay there floating forever, but that's when I heard it, your voice."

"My voice?" she said in confusion, her head cocked to the side as she watched him from her position beside him on the wall. She had moved there during his monologue, almost without her realizing it.

"Yes, your voice. It was calling to me, telling me not to give up, to fight. I didn't fully understand why at the time but I do now. But soon the voice in my mind faded and I heard you speaking to me. I heard your actual voice and you were reading the poem I wrote for you. I was drawn towards you; I was unable to do anything else even if I wanted to."

He paused for a moment to consider his next words, not so much planning them as arranging their meaning.

_**Voiceless Screaming  
Calling to me inside of my heart  
Knockin' on my soul's door  
I believe in myself and trust what I do**_

"When I woke up you were the first thing I saw. You have no idea how much joy seeing you brought me in that instant, I felt as though I could have died at peace."

He was silent as he stared off into the horizon once again. They were silent as they just watched the city before them.

_No regrets,_ his mind whispered to him, sounding somewhat like Kaji.

"No regrets," he whispered out loud, drawing Rei's attention once again.

"I'm sorry?" she said at his unexpected announcement.

"It's funny," he began in reply to her question. "I was ready to give in to death when I was in the Eva but once I was returned, seeing your face made me feel the same peace as I did when I was absorbed."

Rei was still considering his words.

"I am… uncertain as to what I should say in return," she confessed as she moved to sit closer to him.

"What does your heart tell you?" he asked as he turned his head to regard her, the wind blowing his hair in front of his eyes. Rei had to resist the urge to brush the hair away.

"My heart?" she asked as her hand made its way to where she could feel her own heart beating in her chest, confusion once again apparent on her face.

"Not that heart Rei," he said gently as he took her hand away from her chest and held it gently. "The symbolic heart that we feel emotions with."

She regarded his words and the hand that he held. She knew what he was speaking about, she had read enough about the emotional sensations that humans have. But nothing she had read could prepare her for the sensation of the butterflies in her own stomach. She hadn't noticed them before, but they came on full force when he took her hand. Now as she sat next to him she realized what he was saying. He wanted her to understand the feelings that came with being human.

"Ikari," she began as she lifted her eyes to meet his.

_** Tell him you love him. **_ the voice ofDoubt spoke to her. It had been so quiet that Rei had forgotten about the conversation she had had with Doubt.

_Tell him what?_ Rei asked.

_** Silly girl, tell him you love him. If you wait any longer you may lose him. You already know he loves you, let him know you feel the same. **_

Rei thought for a moment about what Doubt had said. She looked at her hand held in Shinji's and she looked into his eyes as well. Taking all these things as well as the feelings she had felt when Shinji had been absorbed by Unit-01, she came to a realization. She finally had an answer to the question that Doubt had asked her shortly before Shinji's absorption. Even though she had admitted to loving him when he had been returned from the Eva, she had marked those off to being only words of joy.

"I …" she began as she planned her words, looking for the perfect words to say what she needed to. Taking a deep breath she began again.

"Shinji, I … I am unable to say what I need to, I am sorry."

"That's ok Rei; you don't need to say anything. Just so long as you know what you're feeling." He told her with a gentle squeeze of her hand.

"No, you don't understand," she said with a gentle shake of her head, a small smile creeping up her lips. "I am unable to say what needs to be said because there are no words to describe it correctly. Instead allow me to show you."

"Show me?" he asked in confusion, but before the words had drifted off on the wind he felt fire alight along his lips as they came into contact with Rei's. His mind struggled for a moment before his body reacted on its own. His arms came up around her and pulled her toward him even as he deepened the kiss.

After several moments of kissing and sharing their feelings they broke apart for air.

"Rei," he said as they stared into each other's eyes. "I don't know what the future holds for us, I'm not even sure if we'll live through this war. But I do know one thing, I love you. I love you and I want you with me as long as I can have you."

One of her hands came up to cup his face before she placed a gentle kiss on his nose. He smiled at the endearing gesture; after all, sometimes words weren't needed.

"Rei, will you be my girlfriend?" he asked as he took her other hand in his and held it gently.

She could only nod as he leaned in and kissed her again. They stayed that way until the Sun began to set. When it did they wrapped their arms around each other for warmth and just watched as the brilliant colors filled the sky.

For now they were at peace, yet both knew that the next angel could very well take one of them away. Knowing this they silently vowed that they would live what life they had together to the fullest, no matter what happened.

_**Voiceless Screaming  
Pain of the past still hurts me inside  
Knockin' on my soul's door  
I climb the stairs that lead me to Heaven**_

The End

AaAaA

Well, that's it. Hope you all enjoyed it. Now, below is the poem from above in its entirety.

**Window to the soul**

Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul,  
A look into a person's very core.

In your eyes, I see your pain,  
I see all your hurts and fears.  
I feel your loneliness when you look at me,  
It eats away at my soul, your pain joining us together as one.

Your soul calls to me,  
Asking, seeking, begging for a reason to go on.  
I see the path your silent tears have followed,  
How I ache to reach out and rub the crystalline drops from existence,  
How I wish you would let me.

Let me be the one to soothe your pain,  
Let me be the one to comfort you.  
Show me your loneliness and I'll show you mine,  
Together we can find a reason.

Let me be the one to hold you when you cry,  
Let me be the one you turn to.  
Above all, I ask, let me be the one to love you.


End file.
